Coffee table conversations determine your team culture.
Are you creating a team of winners or whiners? You don’t need elaborate surveys to find the answer. Just participate in an honest coffee table conversation with your team.
There are 4 types of personalities you will find at the coffee table.
- The Whiners
- The Solvers
- The Bosses
- The Coaches
Let us dig deep into each of these.
The Whiners
As the name suggests, these are the complaining sorts.
You may find them whining about their managers:
“My manager is just not able to get the strategy right, what am I supposed to do.”
Or whining about their team-mates:
“The folks in the other team don’t even know how to do this simple task. I am not sure how these guys got hired.”
Or whining about the work:
“I am just waiting for my next promotion. Who wants to work in this project?”
The underlying emotion of whiners is that “it is not my fault, it is theirs”.
Whiners don’t fix problems. They externalize the problem.
According to them, everyone is at fault but them.
Whiners typically have no control over situations and show their lack of accountability and control.
Whiners gel very well with other whiners. They can talk with each other for hours without getting much accomplished.
2 whiners love to find a common bad to complain about. Whiners love to cry their hearts out over a cup of coffee.
The Solvers
Solvers on the other hand are diametrically opposite to whiners. They are problem hunters. Nothing gives a kick to them than solving a hard problem.
The kind of conversations you will see them participate in are:
“Don’t worry, I am there. I can help you with this.”
It’s not your fault, it is mine. I can do it.
Problem solvers are great to have in a team and always lend a helping hand. Their motivation comes from helping others.
The solvers operate from a morally high ground of superiority and may end up believing that they are indispensable.
Now, you may argue who wouldn't want a problem solver in the team. You would be surprised to hear that we don’t always need one.
At times, they won’t ask whether you need help, they will just do it for you even if you don’t ask. If you reject their request for help, they may play victims and engage in conversations such as
“I told you so.”
Another big problem with perpetual solvers is that they will get highly demoralized if their problem solving does not work.
They may also feel overwhelmed at times, since they would have piled up so much on their plate that they will struggle to prioritize which fire to douse first.
Mostly problem solvers love to be surrounded by the whiners. Whiners love to whine, and solvers love to solve.
Solvers come for coffee breaks to find problems that they can solve.
The Bosses
And then there are the bosses. Note, I didn’t say leaders or managers, I said bosses.
Bosses are like persecutors or tormentors.
Most of the time they feel that they are surrounded by nincompoops. Everyone is a fool in the bosses’ eyes. There is this tremendous sense of superiority that a boss carries on his brows.
You may typically here them say:
“It’s not my fault, it’s yours.”
“I don’t trust anyone. I must bear the brunt of the team’s incapability.”
Bosses are great at doing one thing. Bosses create whiners. Bosses can also create whiners out of the problem solvers.
Bosses have this deep sense of power and control that makes them brilliant micromanagers. You may find yourself doing a lot however your boss will always be unhappy with you.
No one likes a bully at work and bosses are precisely that.
Bosses come to coffee breaks to display their angst at how they are the ones carrying the weight of the team on their shoulders.
The coaches
Coaches are a rare breed in a team. They are an endangered species and teams should try their best to protect them from being poached.
Coaches listen. They will listen to the whiners patiently understanding the concern and not necessarily aggravating their pain. You may hear coaches ask the whiners:
“How can I help?”
“What’s the real challenge here for you?”
Coaches advise. If they see problem solvers overkeen to jump hurdles in other’s lanes, they share possible choices. You may hear coaches ask the problem solvers:
“If you are saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?”
Coaches care. If they see bosses bossing, they show care and empathy. They talk to the bosses in private in a respectful and non-confrontational tone. Coaches help the individual understand the impact of their actions and assist them to change their behavior. You may hear coaches tell the bosses that:
“I wanted to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind. I care about your well-being and the well-being of our team, and I’ve noticed some behaviors that are causing concern.”
“I’d like to hear your perspective on this. Can you help me understand what’s been going on, and if there are any reasons or concerns that may have led to this behavior?”
“I’m here to support you in making positive changes. Let’s work together to create a plan to address this behavior and move forward in a more constructive and harmonious way.”
Coaches don’t take coffee breaks. They are invited. Teams want coaches to take coffee breaks.
So, what kind of coffee table conversations are you having in your team?
This article was inspired by a wonderful book from Michael Bungay Stanier called the The coaching habit. It is a must read.
Below is an affiliate link i.e. I may earn a small commission if you purchase through this link.
Hope you liked what you read. If you learnt something new from this post, then leave a clap. It means a lot to me.
If you’ve found value in my content and would like to support its continuation, I invite you to consider making a contribution at Patreon. Your generosity enables me to keep creating and sharing meaningful content with you.
You can follow me on youtube or medium for regular updates on my own journeys of product management, business management, and leadership.
